Not Necessarily the Blog...

The first paragraph is actual news, the rest...not so much...      a new, satirical feature by jh

Fake Candidates All Too Real 
(JS Online, 6/11/11) Madison--The state Democratic Party said Saturday that it would not run fake GOP candidates in the state Senate recall elections this summer.  Republicans admitted last week that they will run fake Democrats in an effort to force primary runoffs in the six recalls targeting Republican senators…The Republicans want to force the primaries in those races so that the general elections are held in August, giving incumbent GOP senators more time to campaign after the state budget is adopted next week.
Surprisingly, a Democratic Party spokesperson speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed that Democrats have offered up fake GOP candidates for years, but primarily for national elections.
“Our focus has been to offer ridiculous candidates to diminish the impact of the GOP’s most credible threats.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work as planned.”
"A few years ago, we were going with television pitchman “Mr. Clean,” but we realized the “clean, tough” image wasn’t ridiculous at all for conservative voters.  Instead, we went the other way and chose a frat boy with questionable cajones of his own, and wouldn’t you know it, he catches everyone by surprise and—boom--“Dubya” wins two terms.”
They weren't really
The Donald,
were they?
“Even for this upcoming election we’ve tried to throw ludicrous candidates into the mix—but wouldn’t you know it?—Gingrich, Palin, even Donald Trump, can you believe?--conservatives actually embraced them, too."
Stop gabbin' and get me some oats!
So the strategy has changed.  “We’ve come to the conclusion that nothing we come up with regarding ridiculous candidates can possibly top what the Republicans come up with themselves.”
Rumors of a Mr. Ed/Francis the talking mule ticket persist, primarily because the “Horse/Ass” tagline has worked so well for conservatives in the past.

'Gravy Train' Coming for State Kids

(CapTimes, 6/11/11) Madison--...(T)he Republican-controlled Legislature is expected to vote this week on a proposal that would roll back the state’s child labor laws…The proposed changes — pushed by the Wisconsin Grocers Association — were included in a lengthy motion authored by Joint Finance Committee co-chairs Rep. Robin Vos, R-Rochester, and Sen. Alberta Darling, R-River Hills, and approved along party lines June 3 by the panel. They never received a public hearing and are now part of the proposed biennial state budget.  “When the new administration came in, we asked our members what could be changed to help their businesses. And they said child labor laws,” says Michelle Kussow, the grocers association’s vice president of governmental affairs and communications. “We are ecstatic,” she adds of the 12-4 vote by the Joint Finance Committee.

Can tiny, crevice-reaching hands help
 revive WI's lead mining industry?

Republicans echoed the grocers’ sentiments.  “Why limit kids to 40-hour work weeks?  They’ve got the stamina to work longer shifts that older workers don’t, they’ll do the jobs that older workers won’t, and they’re intimidated and uneducated enough to be agreeable to minimum wage with no benefits,” said Vos.  “It’s a dream come true.”
Darling added, “Having kids neglect their educations by working longer hours for lower wages in menial jobs will truly prepare them for the positions coming, now that Wisconsin is open for business.  I only wish I had teenagers of my own so they could get in on this gravy train.”
Governor Walker nodded in enthusiastic agreement.  “I have two teenage boys myself, and it’s about time they start paying in their fair share to this family.”
It seems to be paying off for the state, as well.  With news of relaxed child labor laws, Nike Indonesia and Kathy Lee Gifford have expressed interest in starting up Wisconsin operations.

Questions Fly in Supreme Court

Gableman: asking
the tough questions
(JS Online, 6/6/11) Madison - State Supreme Court justices expressed skepticism Monday about a Dane County judge's ability to halt a law limiting collective bargaining by public workers, giving Republicans who control the Legislature hope the court may act quickly in their favor.  The most aggressive questioning came from Justice Michael Gableman, who wondered whether judges really hold the power to prevent a law from being published. If they do, he asked, could they go so far as halting a senator from introducing legislation?  "Where does it stop?" he asked.
Gableman’s conservative colleagues nodded in agreement.

"What about that?"
“Does it stop at his home?  Could they pick a senator’s tie?  Or his shoes?  And what if they picked those big, red clown shoes for him? Would they make him wear that little nose, too? And then would there be elephants?  And would those elephants be able to balance on those little balls? And what about those little clown cars?  How in the hell do they get so many clowns in there?  I saw one time, there musta been thirty clowns in there for Pete’s sakes—all in that same itty-bitty car.  And these clowns, they all got that big rainbow hair and they got those shoes—those enormous shoes!  What about that?”
Chief Justice Shirley Abrahamson called for a brief recess.

Emerald Ash Borer Awareness Week
Scott Walker: trying to save his ash
PRESS RELEASE 5/18/11 : Madison- Gov. Scott Walker today announced that Wisconsin will observe Emerald Ash Borer Awareness Week, May 22-28, 2011. Through a proclamation, Gov. Walker urged state residents and visitors to become better educated about emerald ash borer (EAB) and to take action to help slow the spread of this ash-killing pest.
“We must do whatever we can to work towards eradication of this menace,” said Walker.
It’s not the first time Walker has used those words.  “I gotta tell you,” he sheepishly admitted, "I was supposed to make this ash borer proclamation in February, but-- you know how crazy things got—well, anyway, I accidentally got it mixed up with my proclamation on public workers.   Can you imagine?  Instead of saying how great I think public workers are, I ended up calling for their eradication!” he chuckled.
Walker continued, “I doubt anyone even remembers that anymore, but it’s been good for more than a couple laughs around the Capitol, I gotta tell you.”
As part of his current ash borer program, Walker also has asked that ash borers pay in more for their pension and their fair share of health costs.