The None-yun...

The first paragraph is actual news, the rest...not so much...       satire (or parody, or something) 


What Winning Looks Like, Baby!
The Hill, 6/29/18
President Trump's top economic advisor Larry Kudlow on Friday said the federal deficit is falling, even though the latest data shows it is expanding since the tax-cut law went into effect.

"This is what winning looks like, baby!" he exclaimed when the latest numbers came out.

In a related development, Kudlow claimed that down was in fact up, and that day was night.

Where No Man Has Ever Gone Before

“I am hereby directing the Department of Defense and Pentagon to immediately begin the process necessary to establish a Space Force as the sixth branch of the Armed Forces — that’s a big statement. We’re going to have the Air Force, and we’re going to have the Space Force...It is going to be something, so important,” President Trump said. 
Space Force's new commander:
Donald Tiberius Trump

And with that simple proclamation, President Trump will "boldly go where no man has ever gone before."

"I'm looking forward to it, actually, being up in space, going after Klingons and Imperial Stormtroopers," said Trump. "It should be a lot a fun."

He continued, "Weak Jeff Sessions can't even go after aliens in this country, wait 'til I start tearing up the galaxy."

Although such a space-based branch of the military may violate the 1967 Outer Space Treaty signed by 107 countries, Trump noted that pulling out of agreements is "no big deal," citing the Paris Climate Accord, the Iran Nuclear Deal, and contracts with students attending Trump University. "If deals were meant to be followed, what would be the point in ever making them?"
Turns out Obama could do a
lot of things that Trump can't

As part of his new Space Force program, the President has been practicing his "Vulcan salute" (White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders says it's just "a common courtesy") and is said to be considering a pardon for Anakin Skywalker.

Giuliani: Nothing ever happened (well, except for the porn star thing...)

President Trump suggested on Saturday that the Justice Department should release documents related to a top-secret FBI informant who met with members of his campaign during the 2016 presidential election. In a tweet, Trump said it would be a "really big deal" if FBI and Justice Department (DOJ) "infiltrated" his campaign for political purposes, stating that only the release of DOJ documents would provide "conclusive answers."
Giuliani lives in his own, special world

Presidential lawyer Rudy Giuliani, in one of his 27 appearances Saturday (including CNN, Fox, NBC, and the E! network coverage of the Royal Wedding), concurred, "Sure, it would be a big deal. A HUGE deal." He continued, "Probably as big a deal as if someone had secret meetings with the Russians or the Saudis to get campaign assistance, or if some lawyer offered presidential influence to the highest bidder, or if the President still made money from his businesses even though he was supposed to be divested from them, or if someone secretly paid off a porn star to keep her quiet or something like that. But that stuff never happened, so there you go."

"Well, except for the porn star thing. That really happened, but, really, it was no big deal."

With a blink of his eye, and a nod of his head, Giuliani then disappeared up the chimney, back to the world of make-believe.

Trump declares: It's Closing Time
     President Donald Trump seemed to float a new idea about border control during at a tax reform roundtable in Ohio. The President was in the midst of criticizing Democrats during a riff about border security when he slipped in the idea that people might "have to think about closing up the country."

     "That's what we'd do with any of my businesses when times got tough--you know, when the contractors or the inspectors showed up," shared the President, "just turn off the lights and pretend nobody was home."

     Trump continued, "We've been too welcoming to the world. We don't need's not immigrants who made this country great, but people like my ancestors who did."

Lights out, nobody home
U.S. Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke confirmed that plans were underway to install a large "Closed" sign to hang from the Statue of Liberty. Democrats were looking to soften the blow by adding the line "Will return at...," while the President was pushing for the sign with which he is most associated: "Out to Lunch."

    "And we'll make Canada pay for it!" Trump declared, to no one in particular.

    (Sources indicate that Melania employs a similar strategy--hanging a sign and turning off the lights--since the Stormy Daniels matter began)

No Place for False Allegations
(CNN, 4/28/18)--President Donald Trump on Saturday morning called for Montana Democratic Sen. Jon Tester to resign over his opposition to White House physician Ronny Jackson's nomination for secretary of veterans affairs, saying some of the allegations against Jackson "are proving false."

"There's no place in government for someone making false allegations," tweeted the President.
"I am sorry, America..."

When the Twitterverse blew up with numerous examples of false allegations Trump had made since just this morning, Trump tweeted, "I am sorry, America. I never wished to deceive you. Effective tomorrow, I tender my resignation."

Montana Senator Tester expressed regret for his actions, and for helping to bring about "the fall of not only Ronny Jackson, but also a titan like our wonderful President Trump."

Fake Candidates All Too Real 
(JS Online, 6/11/11) Madison--The state Democratic Party said Saturday that it would not run fake GOP candidates in the state Senate recall elections this summer.  Republicans admitted last week that they will run fake Democrats in an effort to force primary runoffs in the six recalls targeting Republican senators…The Republicans want to force the primaries in those races so that the general elections are held in August, giving incumbent GOP senators more time to campaign after the state budget is adopted next week.
Surprisingly, a Democratic Party spokesperson speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed that Democrats have offered up fake GOP candidates for years, but primarily for national elections.
“Our focus has been to offer ridiculous candidates to diminish the impact of the GOP’s most credible threats.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work as planned.”
"A few years ago, we were going with television pitchman “Mr. Clean,” but we realized the “clean, tough” image wasn’t ridiculous at all for conservative voters.  Instead, we went the other way and chose a frat boy with questionable cajones of his own, and wouldn’t you know it, he catches everyone by surprise and—boom--“Dubya” wins two terms.”
They weren't really
The Donald,
were they?
“Even for this upcoming election we’ve tried to throw ludicrous candidates into the mix—but wouldn’t you know it?—Gingrich, Palin, even Donald Trump, can you believe?--conservatives actually embraced them, too."
Stop gabbin' and get me some oats!
So the strategy has changed.  “We’ve come to the conclusion that nothing we come up with regarding ridiculous candidates can possibly top what the Republicans come up with themselves.”
Rumors of a Mr. Ed/Francis the talking mule ticket persist, primarily because the “Horse/Ass” tagline has worked so well for conservatives in the past.

'Gravy Train' Coming for State Kids

(CapTimes, 6/11/11) Madison--...(T)he Republican-controlled Legislature is expected to vote this week on a proposal that would roll back the state’s child labor laws…The proposed changes — pushed by the Wisconsin Grocers Association — were included in a lengthy motion authored by Joint Finance Committee co-chairs Rep. Robin Vos, R-Rochester, and Sen. Alberta Darling, R-River Hills, and approved along party lines June 3 by the panel. They never received a public hearing and are now part of the proposed biennial state budget.  “When the new administration came in, we asked our members what could be changed to help their businesses. And they said child labor laws,” says Michelle Kussow, the grocers association’s vice president of governmental affairs and communications. “We are ecstatic,” she adds of the 12-4 vote by the Joint Finance Committee.

Can tiny, crevice-reaching hands help
 revive WI's lead mining industry?

Republicans echoed the grocers’ sentiments.  “Why limit kids to 40-hour work weeks?  They’ve got the stamina to work longer shifts that older workers don’t, they’ll do the jobs that older workers won’t, and they’re intimidated and uneducated enough to be agreeable to minimum wage with no benefits,” said Vos.  “It’s a dream come true.”
Darling added, “Having kids neglect their educations by working longer hours for lower wages in menial jobs will truly prepare them for the positions coming, now that Wisconsin is open for business.  I only wish I had teenagers of my own so they could get in on this gravy train.”
Governor Walker nodded in enthusiastic agreement.  “I have two teenage boys myself, and it’s about time they start paying in their fair share to this family.”
It seems to be paying off for the state, as well.  With news of relaxed child labor laws, Nike Indonesia and Kathy Lee Gifford have expressed interest in starting up Wisconsin operations.

Questions Fly in Supreme Court

Gableman: asking
the tough questions
(JS Online, 6/6/11) Madison - State Supreme Court justices expressed skepticism Monday about a Dane County judge's ability to halt a law limiting collective bargaining by public workers, giving Republicans who control the Legislature hope the court may act quickly in their favor.  The most aggressive questioning came from Justice Michael Gableman, who wondered whether judges really hold the power to prevent a law from being published. If they do, he asked, could they go so far as halting a senator from introducing legislation?  "Where does it stop?" he asked.
Gableman’s conservative colleagues nodded in agreement.

"What about that?"
“Does it stop at his home?  Could they pick a senator’s tie?  Or his shoes?  And what if they picked those big, red clown shoes for him? Would they make him wear that little nose, too? And then would there be elephants?  And would those elephants be able to balance on those little balls? And what about those little clown cars?  How in the hell do they get so many clowns in there?  I saw one time, there musta been thirty clowns in there for Pete’s sakes—all in that same itty-bitty car.  And these clowns, they all got that big rainbow hair and they got those shoes—those enormous shoes!  What about that?”
Chief Justice Shirley Abrahamson called for a brief recess.

Emerald Ash Borer Awareness Week
Scott Walker: trying to save his ash
PRESS RELEASE 5/18/11 : Madison- Gov. Scott Walker today announced that Wisconsin will observe Emerald Ash Borer Awareness Week, May 22-28, 2011. Through a proclamation, Gov. Walker urged state residents and visitors to become better educated about emerald ash borer (EAB) and to take action to help slow the spread of this ash-killing pest.
“We must do whatever we can to work towards eradication of this menace,” said Walker.
It’s not the first time Walker has used those words.  “I gotta tell you,” he sheepishly admitted, "I was supposed to make this ash borer proclamation in February, but-- you know how crazy things got—well, anyway, I accidentally got it mixed up with my proclamation on public workers.   Can you imagine?  Instead of saying how great I think public workers are, I ended up calling for their eradication!” he chuckled.
Walker continued, “I doubt anyone even remembers that anymore, but it’s been good for more than a couple laughs around the Capitol, I gotta tell you.”
As part of his current ash borer program, Walker also has asked that ash borers pay in more for their pension and their fair share of health costs.